Stay warm.

So far January has fallen in line with the tradition of being the year's asshole. People just get less social, there is less to do, there is more time to spend at home thinking about everything I spent all last spring, summer and fall keeping out of the foreground of my mind. Loneliness, inadequacy, how difficult it is for me to make new friends, the meaning of my work, the reality of my debt, what it is I'm actually trying to do with this life, the fact that I'm a year older and that much further removed from my youth.

I'm sure something fruitful will come. It almost always does. I hope it doesn't take the rest of the winter for me to start feeling good again. I like having joy in my life. Who doesn't? Some of us are less adept at keeping it there, though. I don't think I do a very good job of holding precious things and people for their true worth. At least not as often as I should, which is all of the time.

Right now I know that I do not have the capacity to see the unwholesome seeds that are growing in me. I see them when they flower, but I do not see them when I sow them. In spite of the strong healthy relationships I have with people I love now, I feel lonely and incapable of drawing the love out of others. In spite of all of the wholesome seeds blooming in my garden, my attention dwells on the unwholesome ones. I don't know why I feel that way. I hope to reach clarity on that soon.

This weekend has been particularly difficult. It's funny how one thing can open up your eyes to a new horizon of suffering. That is probably for the best, though. I cannot be happy if I am ignoring suffering.