oh you're blue

What feels like the end of the day.

2008-05-22T22:47:00.005-05:00

Wow. The last time I updated this, it was March 9th. So much has happened since then.

I lost my job and got cheated out of a lot of money at a time that could not have been any worse. I was finally feeling an upswing from the miserable winter, when all of this came to a head.

I faced having to leave Chicago, the home I've built for myself, to move back in with one of my parents. I spent three weeks furiously searching for new employment, which is definitely hard to do when you're unemployed.

I took a lot of handouts from a lot of friends, and even more from my family. If it weren't for my loved ones, I doubt I'd be here today. That may sound petty, but it's the truth. A person can only take so many kicks to the ribs, head and heart before vital organs stop responding.

All of these things have had me in such a horrible place, that other things from deep down have been coming up and wreaking their havoc as well. Things that I am normally able to deal with, but haven't had the strength lately to do so.

Luckily, very luckily, I just got a dream job, working with a design company just a mile or two away. Salary, benefits, standard work week, no dress code.. and it's a career builder. It's exactly what I need to get myself back on track after these five horrible months, and I'm very excited.

I guess listing things out like this really sort of robs them of their impact. 2008 has been awful. It's my sincere hope that this new job is the beginning of a quick turnaround. I'm looking forward to summer so much.

What bothers me most is that I was in such a good place—emotionally, spiritually, financially, holistically—until this year. I feel robbed of that. But I am very anxious to get it all back.

Hopefully I will be able to write more again. I want to get back into poetry. After all of this, I expect a big release. A purge of sorts.

Janufeb takes its toll.

2008-03-09T14:32:00.005-05:00

I know I have not written anything here in awhile. These months are hard on me, and they seem to get worse every year. Janufeb is about as much fun as solitary confinement, from what I can imagine.

I've been really sad and hopeless lately, without going into it. I hope warm weather will change that.

That's all.

The cafe.

2008-01-24T20:00:00.000-06:00

I sit at this table, in a favorite cafe of mine, drinking coffee grown in another part of the world by farmers I will probably never know, though I already know them by the fruit of their labor. They are in the coffee they grow. The people who roasted the beans are in it, too, and I therefor know them for it.

With my coffee, I ate a muffin. A ginger-carrot muffin baked in-house by the people who served it to me. They are in the muffin which is in me, so they too are in me.

I am, in this place, a part of the couple sitting in front of me, the three old men sitting next to them, the other solitary people in the room.

Together we are here, manifestations of our collective essence. I live for them and they live for me. This brings wonder and joy into each moment spent here.

When I leave, I'll bring them with me. They have changed me uniquely. When I am home, they are there with me, and I with them.

There can be no greater joy than what is found in that. One day we will return to the suchness of everything that is. There can be no greater peace than what is found in that. May I learn to see this in every action, every thought, every moment, for it is absolute.

The body.

2008-01-24T19:30:00.000-06:00

Our bodies: what exactly are they? How much importance should we attach to them? What is the meaning behind the desire I feel for an attractive, naked body when I see one? Is it a manifestation of sexual instinct, or is my relationship to that desire deeper than just sexuality? Why do feelings of sadness and inadequacy arise alongside feelings of sexuality when it is triggered? Is that self-consciousness? Or is it self-deprecation?

What is the attraction to the shell of another human being all about, given that I consciously don't want children, which should rule out reproductive instincts? Are our bodies so pivotal to our experience as humans, and our relationships to one another, that they govern our sense of self? Is that true of me? Are my social inhibitions a product of my self-image? If so, is my self-image inextricably tied to my body to a significant degree? Or are those inhibitions a product of my experience? Is it both?

How can I practice to remove the emotional impact triggered by a desirous body? Is that possible, and is it healthy? Should I instead practice to achieve balance between good and bad feelings? How can I transform that suffering?

Fences.

2008-01-22T14:15:00.000-06:00

Why is it that we raise so many fences around us to keep love out of our lives? I'm not just talking about love in the romantic way, though that's necessarily a part of it, but more in the general sense of the warmth you feel for another person when you know them intimately (again, not just in the sexual way).

A few months ago I made a conscious decision to take down the fences I had been putting up for a long time. I made myself and my love available to everybody. Or at least I hope I have. I hope I've not made a single person reading this, or those who can't, feel as though I wanted to deprive them of that.

More recently, and this time I am talking about the romantic or sexual kind of love, I made a conscious decision to welcome the opportunity to love another person more deeply than most others. In the land of sunshine and blue skies, you'd think the flood gates would open and all of this love would come rushing at me. Obviously that's not the case! I'm not that good-looking. But I have to say that I am surprised by the amount of solitude I see in other people. The various ways a lot of people have of sheltering themselves from others. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with vulnerability and the degree to which we're all comfortable with it. But man, it seems so contagious and epidemic.

Do people look you in the eye as they pass you on the street? Do you look at them? Or do you avert your gaze? Do you smile when you notice somebody noticing you, or do you look down, showing them your stoic side? Do you invite the interest of other people, or do you do you invite it only on your terms, for your needs?

I'm not saying we should all go around making as many loving connections as possible in the sexual/romantic sense, because certainly that's not healthy either.

But I do think what is symptomatic of one kind of love is also symptomatic of all the other kinds. Fewer meaningful romantic relationships lead to fewer meaningful relationships of any kind. The more we push one kind of love out, the more we push it all out. If we, as an American society (this problem is more a local one than a global one, from what I've seen), cannot be comfortable in intimacy of one kind, we dull our ability to be comfortable with other kinds of it.

And really, what kind of lasting satisfaction can you get from being that boy or that girl who attracts attention from others, only to ultimately shun it? If you have that ability, if you are graced with that kind of charisma through your appearance, your outlook, your thoughts, your activities, or whatever else, what good is it if you give it a deviant name and live your life trying to avoid it, unless you directly benefit from it? You can't benefit from it until you open yourself to others.

Maybe I just wish I lived in a world where people were more receptive. Where social anxieties weren't as prevalent. Where the well of prejudices and pre-assumptions wasn't as deep and plentiful. Where you didn't worry so much over first impressions, because you see the impermanence of them. I don't really think that's a utopian vision, but maybe it is.

Local vs Corporate

2008-01-22T14:04:00.000-06:00

Is it better to buy your commodity goods at giant corporate chains like Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, knowing you're buying better quality products that are more "wholesome," to use that term loosely; or is it better, if you can, to buy your commodity goods locally, even if it means not buying organic or supporting the small-scale producers that seem to end up on the shelves of "health food" stores?

I thought I had reached clarity on this, but I'm having a hard time following-through with it. I decided a few weeks ago that it's better to buy locally and support local economy, even if it means giving your economic contributions to a mass-producer like Goya than a more holistic company like some (and I can't stress that enough) of the producers who stock Whole Foods shelves who don't operate under the umbrella of an MNC. Would I rather buy black beans in bulk? You bet. Would I rather buy them in a can from Amy's than from Goya? Of course. But I think that local economy trumps that concern. If I am buying "ethically," again a term I am using loosely for a lot of reasons, I am still supporting one of the fastest growing, union-busting, independent-grocer-crushing giants in the country. Yes I'm talking about Whole Foods. Ultimately I sleep easier at night knowing that money went to profit a local owner who might own another grocery store on the other side of town called "Fresh Foods 2" or something hoaky like that. At least I know the profits being made are going back into my community more efficiently than Whole Foods can do it.

But yeah, there is still a lot to be said for supporting producers and manufacturers who operate more ethically. The argument could be made that local business owners model themselves off of bigger corporate entities, and that if demand for Amy's vegan black bean burgers trumped Boca, local places would stock Amy's. But then how big will Amy's become, and for how long can they uphold their ethics while producing on that big of a scale? It all comes full circle in that sense.

I'd like to hear what you all think. If you have a few minutes, which you obviously do if you've read to this point, comment here with your thoughts on the issue. It's becoming a very important issue in what some people, including myself, see as the next necessary step in our economic evolution if we are to become a sustainable species: consuming more intelligently, and ultimately consuming much less.

Stay warm.

2008-01-20T14:23:00.001-06:00

So far January has fallen in line with the tradition of being the year's asshole. People just get less social, there is less to do, there is more time to spend at home thinking about everything I spent all last spring, summer and fall keeping out of the foreground of my mind. Loneliness, inadequacy, how difficult it is for me to make new friends, the meaning of my work, the reality of my debt, what it is I'm actually trying to do with this life, the fact that I'm a year older and that much further removed from my youth.

I'm sure something fruitful will come. It almost always does. I hope it doesn't take the rest of the winter for me to start feeling good again. I like having joy in my life. Who doesn't? Some of us are less adept at keeping it there, though. I don't think I do a very good job of holding precious things and people for their true worth. At least not as often as I should, which is all of the time.

Right now I know that I do not have the capacity to see the unwholesome seeds that are growing in me. I see them when they flower, but I do not see them when I sow them. In spite of the strong healthy relationships I have with people I love now, I feel lonely and incapable of drawing the love out of others. In spite of all of the wholesome seeds blooming in my garden, my attention dwells on the unwholesome ones. I don't know why I feel that way. I hope to reach clarity on that soon.

This weekend has been particularly difficult. It's funny how one thing can open up your eyes to a new horizon of suffering. That is probably for the best, though. I cannot be happy if I am ignoring suffering.

Black Holes are an Honorable Way to Go

2007-12-29T18:44:00.001-06:00

It's been quiet on here this month. Strange how that in no way reflects the reality of my life! December has been so busy, so overwhelming, that I'm amazed I got as much done as I did.

One of those things, and one which I'm particularly proud of, is finishing the short story I started writing a few weeks ago. I'm proud of it because I tend not to finish many of my creative endeavors, and I met my deadline of January 1st for finishing this one. Not only did I finish, but I finished on time! That deserves a woot woot, believe me.

I'm also proud of it because it's my first serious writing attempt in several years, as well as the first thing I feel I could put into a portfolio as a developing writer.

It's a story based on an idea I had awhile ago, and I'm proud of how it came out. You may not like it, but that's not what's important to me. What's important is that it's good from an objective, literary point of view. If any of you who have training in things like structure, character development, language, etc are willing, I am for sure open to constructive criticism. But if you just want to tell me it's not good because you didn't like it, then respectfully keep your opinion, to which you are entitled, to yourself.

Please keep in mind that I wrote it in two sittings and edited it once, so it's certainly not perfect. Also, I am pretty up on my grammar in general (including the use of contractions), so please figure that in, too. Unless something is an obvious oversight, I used the grammar I wanted to use.

The title to this entry contains a link to the RTF file if you want to give a read. Just please don't plagiarize! I won't know if you do, but you will, and karma's a bitch.

I dropped the ball.

2007-12-17T23:22:00.001-06:00

No doubt about it. Lots of working, relaxing, and sleeping this month. It's December, so what else is there to do, really?

Yesterday I finally started writing something. It's a short story, and I'm about half way through it. I can't really tell if I'm doing a good job with literary technique, but I think it reads ok. Mostly I'm just happy to write something again. It's been a really long time.

It's hard to believe that it's December 17th. Christmas is one week plus one day away. That's kinda fucked up.

Click the link for a great way to spend your down time at work! Reading a zine on the interweb!

On religious bigotry.

2007-11-07T12:24:00.000-06:00

While researching some things at work, I stumbled onto a religious forum with an entire 7+ page topic dedicated to figuring out why atheists post on religious forums.

Obviously there was some intelligent, honest discourse between atheists and (in this case) Christians regarding the nature of belief and the value of discussion. Many people talked about how exchanging points of view enhances understanding and the various things that go along with that, which was reassuring.

Not as reassuring was the what seemed to be common belief that people have regarding atheists: that we think too much, that we analyze too much, and deep down we argue with religious people because we want to be dissuaded. That at our core we want to believe and have faith.

What condescension! I have never in my mature, intelligent life as an atheist ever considered that I want to be dissuaded, as if I am incapable of stepping out of the comfort of atheism back into the embracing, dogmatic arms of religion if I so chose.

This is the sort of fallacy, innocent at face value as it may be, that fundamentally and categorically defines religion to me. The characteristic denial of fact and reality, the dismissal of evidence, the empowerment of faith (and faith alone) to the level of omniscience. Think about the implication of that belief: that anybody who doesn't share a religious world-view does so out of ignorance, even if it's self-imposed.

This is not a one-time thing I'm throwing out in order to make my case against religion, because obviously if I were attempting to do that, I'd have a lot more to say than I care to advertise with a myspace bulletin. Rather, this is a common sentiment I have observed across the board in almost any open discussion/debate/argument between atheists and religious people. And as somebody who identifies as an atheist, it is offensive to me.

So what is my point? My point is to ask any of you who hold religious beliefs, be they what they may, not to assume that someone who doesn't share your beliefs is simply a lost sheep trying a strange way to find his/her way back to the flock.

I am more than happy to respect your choices to believe what you will, no matter how much evidence or reason I have not to share them, and at the very least what I would ask is the same in return. Acknowledgment. Not assumption.

[Cross-posted from myspace.]

On processes.

2007-11-06T18:35:00.000-06:00

Every once in awhile I am genuinely confronted by somebody else's outrage or frustration. Whether it's their audacity, their short-sightedness, their flagrant lack of concern for others, or whatever else siezes my attention because it deviates so profoundly from my own. I scramble for the words to type a comment, voice an objection. To do anything within my practical means to pass almighty judgment, if for no other reason than my own peace of mind.

It's an easy reaction. To condescend, to evaluate, to scold, to "teach." To clearly establish yourself and your place above the other person in that moment. "Why are you so angry? Can't you see you're being ridiculous? Can't you see you're overreacting?" The truth, and the very simple truth, is that no, in that moment, they can't. And neither can you, if you find yourself asking those questions.

One of the most valuable things I've taken away from life is that we live in a world of processes. We navigate through it according to processes. We identify it through processes. We accept it or reject it with processes. Who is to say that someone else's process of getting through whatever is so wrong?

You might be expecting me to disclaim something like "Well obviously I'm not talking about drug addicts or racists or homophobes or anybody else whose processes harm themselves and others."

I emphatically do not disclaim that. Those people need the most compassion, the most understanding, the most genuine concern from other people, which is not to say that we should tolerate and abide their behavior, but that we should be actively looking for ways to seriously help them. They are after all on the fringe.

But let's not get off track. My point is that if we all have our own processes, doesn't it behoove us to step back from them in times when we use them to weaken our relationships with others, rather than strengthen them? It certainly does, and I am trying hard to step back.

When I see someone wrought with grief striking out at others, my instinct and my reaction is to go on the defensive. Which of course means trying to get her to see how ridiculous she's acting. What does that accomplish? It compounds feelings of grief with either feelings of further inadequacy or, probably more likely, feelings of serious anger and violence. What mindfulness does, what awareness does, what compassion does is allow me to see the process at work, and not the product. Better for me, better for my friend!

How much more central an understanding we can gain by seeing the bigger picture, by stepping back and removing ourselves from instinct and knee-jerk reactions. It's out of this central understanding that things like empathy and a genuine, heart-wrenching desire to help and heal are borne. I think we can all agree that the world needs more of both.

[Cross-posted from myspace.]

Russian dining.

2007-11-03T17:55:00.000-05:00

After ordering a humble oatmeal, toast and coffee at Boris' Cafe, I did not want to crowd the family diner, in spite of several empty tables and booths. So, I paid my $8.50 and left. Walking around the suburban downtown of Winnetka, IL, I passed a closed antique shop proudly displaying in their front window a poster, which detailed the many reasons to shop locally and support local economy. Not having sated my caffeine fix, I walked into Panera Bread to have a soy mocha. It cost me $4.50 (more than half my bill at Boris'), tastes way too refined, and is tugging at my conscience. The next time I am offered corporate familiarity over neighborhood comfort, I will resist, humbled.

The greater mind.

2007-10-28T20:08:00.001-05:00

Some days are better than others. Some weather is warmer. Some skies are brighter.

We have this to look forward to, always. What a wonderful mechanism of our brains, the ability to compare one thing to another and assign it a varying degree of worth. Wonderful things stem from this relative value system. Take for instance peace, love, happiness, fullness, compassion. But what raises their real, "tangible" worth? What makes them good: when the other is bad. War, hate, sadness, emptiness, greed.

Without one thing, there is no other thing. Without love, there is no hate. Without war, there is no peace. Without freedom, there is no oppression.

The basic point is this truth, that every part of us we try so hard to eliminate is necessarily there. There is no getting out all the fat, or giving up the craving, or letting go of the pain.

So, then, what? We should stop caring about the things we can't change?

No, we should not stop caring about those things. But what we should be mindful to do is place less energy on the things themselves and more on the awareness that we cannot change some of them. This enables us to look at something objectively, to take in all perspectives, to understand it wholly. It enables us to make better decisions.

We are addicted to something, here—value judgments, as quick and simple as we can find them. Answers to questions we don't want to have to ask. This is a principle, known or unknown, on which something like marketing has such control and influence over us. Simply acknowledging it is a principle on which we can break down that control. The greater mind is free. It is empty. It knows that it knows not much at all. It clearly sees how much more room it has to grow.

The greater mind is a wonderful thing. We are already in it, we're already there. We just have to wake up and see.

If you were to die today...

2007-10-07T13:50:00.000-05:00

I was approached today in the park by a well-meaning, I'm sure, young girl who had one simple question: If I were to die today, am I 100% sure I would go to heaven?

I knew what she was asking (or reciting) halfway through her question. I responded with a typical, 'I'm not religious, but thanks anyway,' to which she wished me a nice day and moved on to the next unsuspecting person.

Perhaps a more adequate reply would have been another question: What kind of religious organization would send a child to build the lord's flock? Why would they rely on a child's understanding of their evangelical, religious world view to inform and persuade—I dare say recruit—people twice her age?

But she was only a child—too young to understand the adult machine of petty manipulation, much less her own world view and the selective salvation of her mentors'.

Nanowrimo!

2007-10-01T22:58:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, when I least expect it, usually after a difficult period of time, I am reminded that life is impermanent, that it exists here and now, and that I am lucky to be who I am with all that I have. It takes no religious experience, no Hallmark card, no armchair revelation to bring me into it. Fortunately, I have people in my life who do that for me. My family, my friends, the people I see every day who are going through the same things and different things and who make more out of life with less than what I have. I feel connected to these people on a very fundamental level: we are all here, we are all essentially the same, we depend on one another, and we define one another. It's hard to worry about the daily toils and frustrations with that in mind. Mindfulness, friends. A full mind is an empty one.

November is National Novel Writing Month. I feel that I should be doing creative things with this energy, even if they aren't very good or amazing. By the end of November I hope to have at least a few short stories finished. I want to create something, to give something meaning and substance out of my direct experience with the world. I think that means, at least for right now, writing.

A shift of perspective.

2007-09-16T21:03:00.001-05:00

I have felt very clear and well-balanced the last few days. Reading this book has contributed to that, I think. Not everything is as it should be right now. I still don't have a job, and I'm going to have to borrow money in order to pay my rent this month. On the other hand, everything is exactly how it is and could be. Things happen as they may, and the world of circumstances aligned into the current state of everything in my life is what I have in front of me.

The latest thing on my mind lately that keeps creeping up on me regularly is a feeling I'm not comfortable with. For the past few years, at least the past two, I've been cynically closed to any sort of committed, emotional relationship. I had many reasons for that that aren't worth detailing anymore, but the fact must be stated in order to understand what I am feeling most lately. I think I've reached a point in my development as an adult at which I could be comfortable in a relationship. I'm not talking about dating a few times and spending every waking minute with one another as a validation of feelings. I'm talking about a stable, healthy, interdependent relationship between two people. One that is completely dependent on mutual effort by two people to stay alive and well. One in which sharing, understanding and respect form the basis.

The difference is that I no longer hold such a relationship as an unattainable ideal. I think it is attainable. Uncommon, but not impossible. Whereas I had up until recently not been willing to invest myself in anything more than physical relationships, I think I could be comfortable investing enough of myself into a relationship of a higher kind in order to actually take a shot at it.

By no means am I about to go bar hopping in search of "the right person." I don't think there is any such thing as the right person. That is the superhuman ideal, really. Real relationships occur between real people. There is nobody predestined to complete me or be my perfect companion. Realizing this has helped me decide to become more open to chances. To be willing to share love and respect and the awe of life.

I'm ok with this. Actually I feel much more peaceful about the whole thing.

Sorry for the delay.

2007-09-12T18:55:00.000-05:00

I just got the Internet in my apartment today and had some catching up to do, but the travel journal from Italy is all up now. I left it how I wrote it, which is imperfect.

I am so, so happy to be done with that ordeal. Only I'm not done yet. British Airways still has my bag. Or they gave it to somebody other than me. Or something. I still don't have it, and I haven't heard from them in over a week. I have to call and get this done myself, apparently.

FUCK BA.

Italy

2007-09-01T09:52:00.000-05:00

I'm back from Italy. Beaten, enlightened, stimulated, frustrated, excited, indifferent... all of these and more. Aside from the time I spent in Italy and the things I was able to see, this has been one of the worst experiences of my life. Travel arrangements, the airline losing my luggage, passport complications, too much time away from home, etc.

Nonetheless, I'm glad I went through it, and I have a set of experiences on which to draw in the future, experiences I would not otherwise have had an opportunity to have. I chronicled random thoughts, places, feelings in a cheap journal I picked up in Rome, and here they are. I did not want to make a long, unabridged post for all of them, so I broke them down by day. They're tagged under 'Italy.' Be patient, as there is a lot to add. I should have them all up soon!

Aug 22

2007-08-22T18:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but sit in this hotel room and watch TV that I can't even understand, so I watched a lot of MTV. I came to this conclusion: MTV is shitty everywhere, not just the States. They play more music than anything else, here, though.

I was ready to venture out last night to find the Indian restaurant. I got to the door, saw that it was raining, turned back around. I hate that I'm still here. I don't like Venice at all. I'm over travel for awhile. I just want to be home now. My energy is gone, I'm not excited. I feel more depressed than anything else.

If I ever do this again, it will be with friends. I think that's the only way I could be gone this long and enjoy it. This is just ridiculous.

We fly out of Rome tomorrow.

Almost 5:00p and I am bored out of my mind. Spent the entire day lying in bed watching TV. I want to be anywhere else. I'd go out if I felt at all like dealing w/Venice. What am I, 16 again? This is such a stupid way to feel. It's probably a stupid way to deal w/the situation, too. At this point I don't care. I want to be HOME. I can't really leave anyway until Tina & Cassidy come back, so I can give them keys to get into the room. But I am getting hungry, and I ate all my food earlier (breakfast here is really shitty, even for Italy). Indian food vs. my will not to get off my ass & face the day, Round 2.

[Prologue: My will not to get off my ass & face the day won, again.]

Aug 21

2007-08-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

Is it time to fly home yet? That is all I can think about. Venice is not that wonderful. Charming, but that's all. Charm wears off. Streets are more like an endless, broken grid of alleys. They are packed with crowds of people gawking at all the masks & Venetian glass, and they don't care whose way they are in or about walking any faster than toddlers. I love people. I hate crowds.

Food is so overpriced here, to boot. Last night was fun, but on 3 beers, spaghetti, and two sides of fries, I dropped €45. That's about $60. Fuck me.

I can't bring myself to do anything outside. I have no energy to spend. I'm fucking hungry, though. I don't feel like dropping €20 on a damn sandwich, so I'll probably try to find a supermarket. There's supposed to be an Indian restaurant around here somewhere. Hopefully they're open tonight, and hopefully they're cheap.

Fuckkkkk.

Aug 20

2007-08-20T18:35:00.000-05:00

Went to Vincenza today to escape the tourism of San Marco square in Venice (I think that is by and far the worst section of the city), only to find it sleeping. Everything there is closed on Mondays. Came back early, ate too much chocolate, watched Italy's version of MTV's TRL out of sheer boredom (can't emphasize that enough). I tried sleeping for a bit, only to have a half-lucid dream about dying and having an out of body experience in the presence of the devil, of all entities, and his hell. I don't know whether to blame the chocolate or MTV.

Right now I just finished a dinner of spaghetti in tomato basil sauce, followed by french fries, at a nice, slightly overpriced jazz bar. The staff here is extremely friendly, and they serve a mean pint. When they say grande, they mean it.

Tina & Cassidy are leaving for Verona tomorrow for Verona [indication of drunkenness (sp?)] to see a ballet. I am slightly jealous. However, I mostly say that, I think, out of a desperate need to pass time until flying home, which I am very much looking forward to.

I think I probably look ridiculous writing this in a fully... full... jazz bar. But I'm also a little above (or below, or beyond, or past the point of) sobriety, and I should not, and therefore don't, expect to care. Cheers.

I ordered a third 'grande' and a second plate of patate fritte (fries). You only live once, right?

Aug 19

2007-08-19T18:16:00.000-05:00

Howard Zinn has officially transformed me. I can no longer consider myself a 'liberal Democrat' under the pretense of it indicating my goals & humanitarian/environmentalist philosophies. How could I have been so blind for so long to the emptiness of any major party in a two-party system, Republican or Democrat? How could I have been so oblivious to the fundamental similarities they share? How did I buy in, so confidently, to the images they project? Without ever considering the fact that so little has ever changed under the influence of either party? We've never stopped waging wars or conducting 'military interventions.' We never solved unemployment. We never seriously addressed racism & class hatred. Indeed, we have continued to bleed 99% of our people for the advantage of the elite 1%. How did I never see this before?

The answer is simple: No one told me. Not in schools, not in college, not on 'political debate' shows, not on the news, not in the paper, not in magazines, not in movies—nowhere in popular culture that is accessible to the majority of common people. I stumbled on the realization, the awakening, by chance in a semipopular (by mainstream standards) alternative history book. There is something deeply, fundamentally wrong with that. These issues are so important, so far-reaching, so unifying that everyone needs to know about them. It goes beyond street preaching and leafletting, though these certainly help. Indeed, it goes to the core of cultural assimilation and the devices of upbringing and social indoctrination, to use that term in a hopefully neutral, utilitarian way. It goes essentially to the structures and systems of education.

Over the past year or so I have been toying with the idea of pursuing a career in education. I realized many months ago that I want nothing to do with the business world or the degree I'm pursuing in that field. I've been trying to find a sense of direction, and education is something I've been considering. I think, through this political awakening and soul-searching, I may have found my affirmation. I'm not entirely sure yet, but I do know I want to commit my profession to enhancing my community in a noncorporate way, to working in and contributing to the growing movement for social, environmental, political change. Teaching others about these principles in a setting meant to shape their identities, their senses of citizenry and personal responsibilities could certainly accomplish those goals. So we'll see. It's nice to be awakened.

if nothing else but sun
shall enter a room
by window, by doorway, by mirror
let it not spoil on some wasted,
wasteful symbol of modern society:
coffee, hot in the mug, of broken
foreign spine & wanting mouth;
chocolate, sweet and normal, of
forced hands upon slaved Ivory shores.
let it touch what touches us more —
shadowy corners, glass edges, the
written word between unread covers.
let it illuminate as it should
so that we may see things,
the world, its objects, as they are,
free of shadow, forever beginning,
so that we forever remember we
are never too far from the start.

Four more days to go. I've heard so many different things about Venice that I don't know what to expect. Dirty, busy, small, wonderful, dangerous, boring, romantic....... I'll find out soon.

Knowing that this is our last stop before home is very comforting. I wonder whether or not it will seem strange to be back somewhere where I can understand what's being said around me. I think the first order of business will be eating as much non-Italian food as I possibly can.

Aug 18

2007-08-18T18:10:00.000-05:00

BOLOGNA is a city on vacation. Maybe 2 out of 10 places I pass is actually open. In a way, it's comforting. Very comforting. For the moment, and those of the past several days, a place matches my mood. The architecture (sp?) is beautiful in a calm sort of way; designs are simple but old and heavy and everything is grandiose, though that may not be the term I want. Buildings, walkways, arcs, piazzas are huge, as though built on a larger scale. Tina's readings explain that Bologna is/was a hub for communism in the country. This is evidenced around the university district, where posters, graffiti, flyers denounce capitalism and fascism. How simply refreshing. I've been pounding away at Zinn's People's History of the US, and it is so accurate it's depressing. Taking a break from dominant, capitalism-pervasive society is in many ways relaxing. It's nice that everyone vacations at the same time, that work days are not 9/10/11+ hours long. If only I could bring these trends back with me.

Right now I sit in the Parco della Montagnola, trying to resolve myself to enjoy these last five days here. Trying to find little things to focus on, to remind myself that this is an experience I want to remember fondly, one I'm not soon likely to repeat. Trying to find purpose & meaning in having dropped my life on its face for three weeks. Well, this park, with its fountain and statues and theatres and stairways, is making it a little easier to accomplish.

randoms

2007-08-16T18:07:00.000-05:00

i've eaten a lot of nonvegan breakfasts, which hurts. Italians eat a lot of pastries and not much else besides sliced meat and cheese for breakfast. i eat pastries that i know are loaded with eggs & butter. they don't even taste good, either.
the black pen died! the blue pen is not a suitable replacement.
my skin hates the sun. my arms have broken out in protest of daily sunscreen regiments, and i still have a farmer tan.
lots of soccer! i don't get to see it in the states w/out cable. this is wondahful.
italian kids like anime, too. weird.
italy is a lot more 'green' than us. i'm pretty inspired and really jealous.
i miss my cell phone. i never thought it would come to this.
i have no watch and i rarely know what time it is. italian hotels do not believe in clocks.
overdubbing is wicked. wicked lame.
during a nap today i dreamt i was part of an fbi plot to terrorize julia roberts, and as such i raped her. umm... no more sleeping on park benches for me.

Aug 16

2007-08-16T17:52:00.000-05:00

NO LUCK. The train to Milano Centrale does not come often, owed to the fact that it's a 3 hr. ride. Once I got to the station, I found that there is more than one airport in Milan before proceeding to buy a bus ticket to the wrong one, another 1.5 hours away. By this time it was 6:45p, and any hope of making it to the correct airport in time to get on a plain [sic] was null.

By the time I made it back to the hotel, it was 11:30p. Miscommunication w/Tina led her to pick up my hotel keys, thinking I had gotten a flight (I think?), and the man at reception did not speak enough English—and I did not speak enough Italian—to explain the situation. He would not let me into the room, and it was too late in the night to find another room. So I settled on a park bench w/all of my junk for the night. Around 7:40a this morning the man from last night recognized me, stopped, and told me to go back to the hotel because the man at the desk now could speak English. He was kind... I think he took pity. I felt miserable, beaten. I'm sure I looked it. I hadn't eaten anything but a chocolate bar & potato chips all day, and my only source of H2O came from a pint of Moretti I drank while hiking around for two hours with a 35lb backpack, trying to figure out what the fuck to do at 1:00am.

All is well now, though. The man at the desk this morning was the same one w/whom I left my keys yesterday, so he gave me a spare & let me in. After a shower, a gratuitous breakfast (undoubtedly non-vegan... see next section) and some actual sleep, I am rejuvenated. Just sitting here waiting for Tina to call so I can get my keys back.